19 days...

I spent with him 19 days of my life. No other man had so little time and gave me so much. One guy was with me for seven years and could not give me what I had with him after the first seven days he spent in my city.

So what did he give me?

For instance - my optimism. He never spoke about sorrow, though I knew he lived through the ultimate sorrow. His optimism was contagious. With him, rain was only a passing phase before the return of sunshine.

For instance, he gave me that feeling when you think you are about to go mad with desire. And you know it is going to be satisfied. He could tell me a fairytale about every little part of my body. And there was none that he didn’t touch or tasted. If he had the time he would have kissed every single dot on my body , one by one. With him, I always wanted to undress even more.

He never searched for erogenic spots on my body. He assumed that a woman’s body is erogenic as a whole, and the most erogenic place of all is the brain. He knew of the famous G-spot in the vagina, but he was looking for it in my brain. And almost always found it.

With him, I reached the end of every road. He led to such wonderfully sinful places. Since then, some of them have become holy for me. Sometimes, when we made love listening to Sting, I felt no one could be more tender. As if he had two hearts instead of two lungs. Perhaps he did…

For instance, he gave me that childish curiosity about the world. He always asked about everything. Really, just like a child who has the natural right to ask. He wanted to know. He taught me that “not to know” is to “live in fear”. Everything interested him. He challenged everything, doubted everything and was ready to believe in anything, as soon as he was persuaded by the facts.

He taught me, for example, that one should succumb to one’s desires as they arise, and never put anything off for later.

He gave me for instance a sense that for him I was important and that everything I do means something to him. He opened his eyes every morning, kissing me gently and saying "Good morning". Sometimes in Spanish. All mornings were good waking up next to him.

19 days... Something like that happens only in films. He was giving me all that and asked for nothing in return. No promises, no vows, no oaths that “only you and no one else ever”. Simply nothing. He was giving me the feeling it is going to be forever. I was only worrying that the eternity – without all those standard promises – will be short. I was right...

My eternity was exactly 19 days long.

On the 19th day I was at the airport. He left the terminal after saying Goodbye and hugging me. He walked slowly through the corridor leading to the exit. I couldn't stop crying. I stood like that for a while, looking at his direction. Then he disappeared out of the exit.

I suffered like a child who was sent to an orphanage for a week and then forgotten about. I missed him. Incredibly. I loved him and could not wish him anything bad, and so suffered even more. After a while, I stopped listening to Sting. And then I deleted all the songs that we used to listen together. Then, I began to ignore everything Spanish. Except one thing. Him.

I started to heal myself... with sand, sea and taste of salty waves, with long nights after sunset and cold cocktails, with noisy old friends and cheerful new ones, with music, dancing and laughter.

I am healing myself...with lots of work, projects and thousands of books in between...with not talking about him (not thinking and not writing are more difficult).

I am healing myself... with my friends' words "It's better, you know". (No, I don't know!!!).

Does it help, someone would probably ask.

No, not at all, I'm afraid...